1. If you’ve never met the devil in the road of life, it’s because you’re both heading in the same direction.

 

  1. Well my imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems

 

  1. I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.

 

  1. That is the ugliest top I’ve ever seen, yet it compliments your face perfectly.

 

  1. I am busy right now; can I ignore you some other time?

 

  1. Tell me. Is being stupid a profession or are you just gifted?

 

  1. Violence won’t solve anything. But it sure makes me feel good.

 

  1. People say that laughter is the best medicine; your face must be curing the world.

 

  1. I’d tell you to go to hell, but I work there and don’t want to see your ugly mug every day.

 

  1. Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver.

 

  1. I don’t believe in plastic surgery. But in your case, go ahead.

 

  1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak. – Steven Wright

 

  1. Mirrors can’t talk, lucky for you, they can’t laugh either.

 

  1. The whole purpose of sending a text is to get a reply within seconds or minutes, otherwise, I would have sent a letter by fucking mail.

 

  1. Not all girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice. Some girls are made of sarcasm, wind, and everything fine.

 

  1. If you want to change the world, do it while you’re single. Once you’re married you can’t even change the TV Channel.

 

  1. Need money for college. Need college for a job. Need a job for money. Who was the mastermind behind this system?
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  1. Askhole. A person who constantly asks for your advice, yet always does the opposite of what you told them.

 

  1. My attitude in exams. They give me questions I don’t know. I give them answers they don’t know.

 

  1. I may look calm, but inside my mind, I’ve killed you 20 times, in 5 minutes, in 20 different ways.

 

  1. Babies are so lucky. They can sleep all day and everyone still would be proud of them.

 

  1. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

 

  1. True bonding is when you and your friends are all angry about the same thing.

 

  1. Zombies eat brains. Don’t worry, you’re safe.

 

  1. Police pulls over a speeding car:

COP: I’ve been waiting for you all day.

DRIVER: Yeah well I got here as fast as I could.

 

  1. Boy: “You’re not my type.”

Girl: “Why, ‘cause I can read?”

  1. I’d agree with you but then we’d both be wrong.

 

  1. Oh… I didn’t tell you. Then it must be none of your business.

 

  1. You’d be in good shape, if you ran as much as your mouth.

 

  1. I’m not crazy! The voices tell me I am entirely sane.

 

  1. Tact is for people who aren’t witty enough to use sarcasm.

 

  1. Sure I’ll help you out. The same way you came in.

 

  1. You: Go to Hell!

Me: See you there.

 

  1. Teacher: We are going to play the quiet game.

Student: Are you playing too?

 

  1. Think I am sarcastic? Watch me pretend to care!

 

  1. I don’t care what people think of me. At least mosquitoes find me attractive.
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  1. We don’t need CCTV camera in our country. Neighbors and relatives are enough.

 

  1. My girlfriend is so good at playing hide and seek. I haven’t found her yet.

 

  1. Maybe you should eat some makeup so you can be pretty on the inside too.

 

  1. Don’t judge a book by its cover. Don’t judge a student by his percentage.

 

  1. If the teacher tells you to get out, it means you have won the argument.

 

  1. Thank you for leaving my side when I was alone. I realized I can do so much without you.

 

  1. You look good when your eyes are closed, but you look the best when my eyes closed.

 

  1. Expect nothing and you’ll never be disappointed!

  1. If I promise to miss you, will you go away?

 

  1. I went on a diet, stopped smoking dope, cut out the drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I lost two weeks.

 

  1. I’ll try being nicer if you try being smarter.

 

  1. I’m on a seafood diet. When I see food, I eat.

 

  1. You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

 

  1. Look at you, you’re in perfect shape. For a circle.